Apathetic

By definition, apathetic means showing no enthusiasm, interest, or concern for something.

In short? It means you don't really give a damn.

So often have I felt this way in my life, that it outweighs any other emotion put together. But when it's suddenly directed at me?

It's a shock. It's painful. I'd rather be treated with anger or sadness, or love at best. But apathy is cruel. Insensitive.

First came the euphoria of knowledge. Then came the sweetness of old times. Desire for the unknown came next, leading to unfortunate anger. This all ending up in apathy. Not on my part. On his.

Somehow I'm stuck in a wicked dimension of sorts. Somewhere between the little, innocent school girl I was and the matured, seductive woman I was bound to become.

I lust for the innocence we once had. The naivety of unspoken desires, quiet flirtations. The chivalry of it all. But I crave the renewed emotions. The open admiration and flirting. The intensely sweet gestures of kindness. The laughter, the same shared dreams.

And somehow we got here. Somehow everything has turned apathetic. No longer the young crush. No more of the rekindled passion.

Just apathy.

Slates

Seeing a different point of view is different for me...looking through his eyes has changed my outlook on the past, present, and possibly even the future. Had I only known then what I know now. Would our lives be the same? Or would they be different entirely... The things that plague my thoughts. The worries that disturb my dreams... Can I learn to just accept them?

No. I believe I'm done trying to fit all my eggs into one basket. They always end up breaking in the end, leaving me with a sticky mess that erases the paint off my neatly painted walls of the life I've struggled to make for myself.

I'm tired of the blame game. I'm tired of my independence being reigned in... I need to get back to the basics of me. For her sake. For my sake. For the sake of love.

Here's to hope for new beginnings and a new start.

Wiping the slate clean in order to find the truth.

I may not be the victor of the battle, but I will conquer the war.

Re-Sanity

That's not an actual word, I know.

But this, this is where it all changes.

This is where the rubber meets the road, and I'm stepping on toes.

Without regret.

My life, my way, my changes, my days.

Finally happiness.

Finally my Re-Sanity.

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to be continued...

 

When Christmas hit the fan.

The last post I wrote told you guys about how I spent Christmas day with the Boy.

This is what happened that night when I arrived home.

-Flashback-

I just got home and was scared my dad would be pissed at me. I walked into hit room struggling to keep the tears at bay. Failed at that one. He wasn't mad, I was relived. He gave me a hug, and I went to bed.

Next day was boring as hell. This was the 26th of December. It was a good day though.

The 27th rolled around. And that's where everything fell to peices.

The Mother and I got into a huge fight over nothing. Well, she did the argueing. I just sat there and took it.

For the first time in my life, I kept my mouth shut and let her say whatever boiled out of her mouth.

And let me tell you.

It hurt. Like nothing ever before had.

Still fuming, and calling me every vile thing she could possibly think of, I quietly began packing.

By the time she discovered what I was doing, she had calmed down. Until she figured out I was leaving for good. Then it started again.

She kicked me out. Well, my Dad did too.

My sister picked me up about 8 pm, and she yelled at me for having an attitude. Till my mother started in on me.

We walked out the door, and went for a drive.

6 minutes later, everything I had kept inside me, tumbled out.

And she finally understood.

See, the problem wasn't really how harsh my mothers words could be.

The problem was what occured when she finished.

Cutting. Self-mutilation. Control.

At about 10pm-11pm, I was stumbling into the Boy's arms.

-Few weeks later-

My mother called. No I love you. No I miss you. Just cold, blunt words.

I was never allowed back. My stuff would be sent to me through my cousin and brother.

I cried myself into hysterics, then to sleep.

-Few weeks later-

My stuff arrived.

In black trash bags.

-Now-

10 weeks and 4 days later, I sit in the Boy's sister's house.

Typing my story.

Typing my pain.

I talk to Mother every few weeks. Maybe once a week.

And it's hard.

My Dad still hasn't forgiven me.

I'm lost without him... I miss him.

And that's the hardest part of all.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ __ __ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _

The world still spins around me. Not quite sure what to make of it all anymore.

Unanswered questions are the worst.

But It's all for the best.

Happy Day After Christmas!

Why hello there!

I haven't written in a while... it's been a long week.

Christmas Eve....sucked!

Christmas Day was amazing!

I got to spend all day with my amazing boyfriend and his family. I didn't want to go home. Story of my life. First we were at his sisters. She's so sweet. She and her husband have an adorable little baby boy, Clark. I actually took a few pics of him. None of the boy and I. He hate's pictures. Grr. Anyways! Then we spent the rest of the night at his mom's then he took me home. I can't wait to spend more time with him!!!

Sorry. Gushing over. :)

So today I'm waiting Impatiently for my Shabby Apple necklace to arrive, while cleaning my room, the kitchen, and doing laundry. I know. Fun right?

I still have glitter everywhere!

after the storm

Clean room! Yay!!!

So, I still need to do laundry, which is my mission for the moment, clean off my bed (that's made btw), and clean off my dresser.

I feel so accomplished.

b-e-a-utiful

{las botas negras}

need.i.say.more?

love at first sight