Soo

Ignore this guys. I'm playing around with a new signature!

Tell me what you think!

chapter by chapter

{a baby book}

So as God-Mommy to a precious little boy, (aka the cutest little thin you'll ever see), I volunteered myself to make the baby book!

Dun-dun-dun-duuun!!!

For starters, I'm a very craftsy person.

Secondly, I, like so many other crafters, get in that rut of having too much stuff, and not enough time to do something with it. Yes, I may have thousands of ideas, but by the time I get around to it, I've forgotten what the heck I was going to do and why the heck I have the seemingly worthless crap in front of me!!

NOT a good place to be. Especially at 17, still in your parents house, and in a tiny room!!!

So. I've come to the conclusion, that my craft space needs to be, well a craft space. I don't really have one. So I'm going to make one.

-ANYWHOM-

Back to the original topic! (Sorry for my random Alice moment there)

I found some cute supplies to start the baby book. And I have it all in a box, so i wouldn't lose it among my other scrap booking stuff.

Here comes the problem.

As much as I love making things, and the idea of a scrapbook, I have NO idea what to do. I'll sit there staring at the blank page before you open up the dirty window... sorry. Singing again.

Ok, so you get the point.

Help?? Please?

Here's another picture of our bundle of joy! I finally got to see him. He's the most peaceful baby I have ever seen.

*Till Next Time

Why Hello There, Beautiful!

{Once upon a time...}

NOT!

Ok. So to heck with the pretty, cutesy, cheesy stuff.

Now comes the truth.

When I was little, my bathroom at my old house had a vanity. Like one of those 2 sink, tons of cabinet space, vanity's with a mirror that covered the whole wall above it. I LOVED that bathroom.

At any rate.

When I'd get upset, like really in-the-floor-crying upset, I'd climb onto my vanity, stare into my eyes, and watch the tears fall. For some reason, I couldn't help it. I've never been a vain person. Ever. People comment on my looks all the time, and I pay it no mind. But to see myself in such a state of disrepair... I don't know. It didn't comfort me. But... It's one of the most vivid memories I have.

But I do know that I used to think that I deserved whatever had made me so upset. Whether it was watching my brother get beat, or getting cussed out, or being treated like I was worthless. The list goes on. Abuse was one of the few things I truly understood. Unfortunately, I understood it wrong.

Like many other abused and mistreated kids, I grew up thinking that I really was worthless. That I really couldn't do anything right. That everything that went wrong in my life, was my fault. And I carried these things into my teenage years.

At 17 years old, I am just now learning that most of the things that go horribly wrong in my life, aren't my fault.

I used to beat myself up every time my relationship with a guy went wrong. I used to spend days and nights that lead to weeks then months, agonizing and beating myself up, and picking myself over trying to figure out what I did wrong.

But today I realized. It's not my fault. I'm dealing with an ex right now. One that comes up to me in the halls just to cuss me out. Who threatens to beat me up for no reason. Who almost came into the girls bathroom Friday cussing me out, flipping me off, saying horrible things to me.

And I've reached my breaking point. And I have realized that I DON'T deserve to be treated like I'm worthless, because I'm NOT worthless. I am an amazing individual who is going somewhere great in life. And that I shouldn't let ANYONE beat me down and walk all over me.

So this is me putting my foot down, and saying NO!


Tomorrow, it ends.

Praying for strength. This will be one of the hardest things I've ever done.

*Till Next Time

Baby!!!

So my godson, Kearse William McAllister was born at 11:48 am today. he's 7 pounds 1 ounce, and 20 inches long! He has dark hair, and bright blue eyes!!

I love his little button nose!

I haven't been able to go see him yet, but I'm going tomorrow. So tons of pics will be posted, but here's one for you guys!

Isn't he adorable???

His mommy, Anastasia went all natural. He ripped her, and she has 3 stitches, but other than that, mommy and baby are doing great! He's a very calm baby that loves to be held, and he's a 9.9 on the APGAR scale. Mommy is breastfeeding him and he's doing great with it!

I've been told the funny moment was when he came out, he peed all over the 2 delivery doctors!!!

{Did I tell you he's absolutely precious?}

He's already the center of our worlds!!!

{Bundle of Joy}

Starting on his scrapbook tomorrow or Sunday!



*Till Next Time

Teens and the Parents that Raise Them.

So I live in, well, below poverty state. To be blunt. I don't own a lot of nice things, we don't have a great car, or a great house, and some months, the kitchen's lacking on things to eat.

It sucks. I deal.

I got home today from school and handed my mom a form from my high school, that basically means that once turned in, I'll get free lunches at school. Which she has been nagging me to get since school started, several months ago. Well, I finally got it! And guess what? She starts complaining about having to fill it out.

"I don't feel good."

"I just woke up."

"I don't want to deal with pulling out all the paper work to fill this out."

"Do you have money on you??"

Etc.

No mother. I have $3 on me. I spent almost all my birthday money on lunch. You wanted the form to begin with. I won't be able to eat unless I have money of some sort. You know what? I'm sick. You're the one that's slept all day. And all yesterday. And the day before. You're always sick. What happened to that promise of you getting up everyday no matter what? What happened to you acting like a parent??

Yea. My mother loves to make promises. And just like she has my entire life, she breaks them. One way or another. But stupid me, decided to move from TN to come live in SC with her and my step dad. It's one thing after another. It's so bad that the moment i turn 18, I'm gone. I'm out that door, and not coming back.

Now don't get me wrong. I love my mother. But she was never fit to be a mother.

What mother complains about filling out a form so there child can eat?
What mother makes doctors appointments for the kid, then cancels them because she's too "sick" to take them?
What mother cusses out there teenager?
What mother takes away church from their child because their child cussed?
What mother tries to have her teenager committed to the psych ward for 45 days, for a normal teenager freakout???
What mother doesn't let their 17 year old daughter spend the night at her friends house for no reason?
What mother tells their child they're nothing but a user and a liar??

Mine. My mother does those things. And sometimes, even worse.

And you know what? I have to live with it. I have to accept it and move on. Which is hard as hell to do.

I'm 17 years old, treated like I'm 5 and expected to act like an adult.

If you have a kid, don;t promise them one thing, then not do it. Don't ever cuss them out. Don't ever treat them like they are worthless. You know, if you want respect you have to show respect. If you want your kid to love you, then you have to show them what love is.

Please. Don't let your child grow up like I did. Thinking they weren't wanted, abandoned, and scared. Don't let your child go to sleep at night thinking that you hate their guts. Don't let your child wake up in the morning thinking that Mommy or Daddy doesn't love them.

Be a parent. Not a sperm or egg donor. Please.

Michael

Do you remember when I was having a bad day, and after school, you called your mom and she talked to me on the phone just to tell me she thought my Converses were awesome and for me not to listen to what everyone else said?

Do you remember when my Pappaw forgot to pick me up from school, and you stayed with me till he got there?


Do you remember how you'd always make me laugh by telling me good morning when it was afternoon?

Do you remember when we first met during a choir practice?

Do you remember me telling you to comb your hair before prom?

Do you remember sitting in Mrs. Lusardo's classroom playing the guitar for me and a couple other girls?

Do you remember me giving you hugs after school?

Do you remember me talking to you in the holding area before school?

Do you remember explaining to me why you wore ties with polos and tee's under chapel shirts?

I remember all of that.

But most of all, I remember how you saved my life.

It was just another crappy, depressing day. It was afternoon, but I can't recall what time. It was in my 9th grade year, and I was walking out the door from one building to the other one. I had just come from Mrs. Randolph's class and was going towards the gym. I stopped in the breezeway. I had one foot on the bottom of the railing with my hands on top of it. I was looking down at the brick floor below, calculating how far the drop would be, how hard I'd hit, not knowing if it'd kill me, but I hoped it be quick. Painless. Simple. I was second's away from dropping my bags, climbing onto the railing and jumping head first. I was second's away from ending the crappy life I lived and was trying to escape from. A life where I felt alone, dark, unwanted, useless. Second's away from my last chapter of life, I heard those simple, sweet, and insane words. "Good Morning!" I stopped. Turned and looked at you. And smiled. The first time I had smiled in forever. The first time I felt loved and cared about in a long time.

I remember stepping away from the railing. Responding to you in some sort, and going on to my next class.

I remember thanking you silently, for saving my life.

I remember the last day of school. I knew I wouldn't be coming back. I knew I wouldn't see you for a long time.

I remember not being able to find you.

I remember not being able to tell you goodbye.

I remember thinking that I owed you a hug.

I remember abandoning you.

I remember regretting that.

You never let me forget that I owe you a hug.

I'll never forget how you saved my life.

Do you remember?

Pretty Blue Eyes. Wait... no Brown.

Have you ever looked at someone and thought " Man they have some gorgeous eyes??" But when you look in the mirror, you think you have the ugliest eyes ever?

Well, with me, it's not like that. Kinda.

I've always wanted blue eyes. But no. I wasn't blessed with them. But as I got older, I realized that a lot of people have blue eyes, and that brown eyes can be just as unique.

Not everyone can say their eyes change from brown, to green, to hazel, to gold. I can.

My Pappaw used to sing Pretty Blue Eyes to all of us grand kids, except with me, he'd have to change it to Pretty Brown Eyes. And I loved that. I loved the fact that I was special enough to have song lyrics changed to fit me.

But if you look at my anime drawings, their eyes are blue. I don't think I've ever colored their eyes anything but that. Maybe purple once, and red another. But never brown. I wonder why that is...


Maybe it's because as humans we are never content with who we are. We are always trying to change something about ourselves. We're continually trying to achieve perfect. But perfect is impossible. Or maybe it's not. Maybe it's just improbable, but no one's ever been able to reach it, so it merely seems impossible.

What's the hype about blue eyes anyways?? I have no clue!

I love them.

My boyfriend has crystal clear, ice blue eyes.

My brother has eyes that change from blue to bluish green.

My best friend has deep blue eyes.

My really close friend *cough, cough* has charcoal grey/blue eyes in the morning, but by the end of the day his eyes are a clear deep blue. In fact, I'm about to draw an anime guy with his eye's. But I highly doubt I'll be able to do them justice.

Blue eyes fascinate me. And I have yet to determine why. Not that I really care to.

Ok. Random note, I live in the hood. And the lady across the street is blasting black music...Like. Loud enough that you could probably hear it down at the main road..... It's really annoying.

Anyways!

So, I'm not sure what I'm rambling about anymore. Lo siento!

I'll have to post my anime drawings for you guys to see. And pay attention to the eyes, because that's generally what I obsess over the most.

Changes

Have you ever looked in a mirror and thought, "I don't like what I am, or have become,"?

I have. And let me tell you. It's a sucky place to be.

Well, I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to make some changes in my life, after my boyfriend/fiance and I broke up. Yea. Major. I know.

Anywho.

Life was difficult, at first. But then I realized I was better off. I'm happy with my new choices.

So this is me. The new and improved. But maybe, if you really think about it, it's the old me. The old, old me. The childlike, innocent, fun loving, carefree me. But then again, I could be crazy. It wouldn't be anything new.

There's some people in my life I feel I should mention.

1. God. Let me tell you about this guy. He's absoulutely amazing!!! I would be nothing without Him!

2. Tray. :) My new boyfriend. Need I say more? No, but I will. He taught me that my ex wasn't everything I had. and I'm putting that to practice even now. i have some great new friends, and he's cool with that. He treats me like I should be, but he's not scared to play around either. He knows he could hurt me, but he knows not to be consumed by trying not to. it's a refreshing change. I adore him.

3. Kytkat! I love this chick One of the most amazing girls. She's like my sister, my hairstylist, my makeup artist, my church buddy, my bible study partner.

4. A guy friend of mine that doesn't want to be mentioned, (Cough, Cough) but is going to be anyways. Yea. You know who you are my short, crazy, brilliant friend! You have really shown me somethings about myself this past...what? Week? i don't know but you're awesome. Just saying.

And ON we go!

So along with the many changes that are occurring, I'm trying to redecorate my room in the process... But pictures of my room and drawing of ideas will come later. :)

I'm hoping to be using this blog a lot more...hang in there with me. I'll figure it out eventually :)

Tamon, Scraps, And the Fluff Ball I Call a Cat

So... It's been a long time. I've been stuck in an alternate universe of Doctor Who, Algebra 2, and Useless craft ideas that won't go away...

I'm transfering everything over to this blog. It's new and fresh. I'm not deleting the old one. I couldn't if I wanted to. It has too much history and feelings jumbled together. But then again, it doesn't suit my needs that I have as a happier and quirkier individual.

And ON we go.

Just as a recap, for my dearest and most retarded friend Zaelyn, Tamon is an inside joke. An imaginary friend of sorts. It has a unique, and quite gross origin, but I feel the need to share it with you, So please hang in there.

Once upon a time, in a screwed up little mind of mine, I was talking about, you guessed it (or perhaps you didn't), tampons. Don't ask me why, I can't quite remember, although, I always do have funny stories to share about them. At any rate, ("Stop chasing the white rabbit, Alice!!") I was half crazed at the moment and I started spouting off to Zaelyn about the fact that she had a gay, nude garden gnome that lived in her closet. How this came from tampons, was because I typed Tamon instead of Tampon and it stuck. I'm still not sure why. But that was how he was born.

I have been seemingly lost in a world of crafty scraps inside my head. I realized that I do my best thinking in bed. When I should be falling asleep. Hence the title of my blog. I often find myself muttering to myself at night, causing my fluff ball of a cat very much confusion. Or maybe her confusion has come from eating too much carpet. If I ever learn Meow-in I think I shall ask....

My boyfriend, Tray, is convinced that he is perfectly fine and unbothered by my crafty side, but oh, I await the day when he runs screaming from me in horror over the mass of useless crafter lingo that I adore... Or perhaps that's just the voices in my head that do that.... ("By Dalek!") I apologize. That was my British voice that occupies so much space in my head. Please, Doctor. Go back into your pretty Tardis.

And ON we go... Yet again.

I think that's enough gibbering gaberring for one day.

Toodloo.